Thoughts

You know sometimes I think that I have it all wrong. The busy life. The running, the going, the ups the downs. Cramming as much stuff in as I can in 16 hours. Trying to be smarter, looking to move up. Sometimes I feel that it is just too damn much. I see a guy playing a air guitar everyday on my way to work. I pass another guy who is homeless. Sometimes I ask myself do they have it right and I have it wrong. Don't get me twisted. I love my family and I love my way of life. Being a provider for my family is something that is so important to me. Sometimes though I feel that I miss out on it. With work and everything that is going on sometimes I think that I get lost in that and I miss out on what is real.

On the other hand I feel that I need to be an example. To be the only kid in your family that went to a four year college and finished you get that pressure not from your family, but from inside of your gut to continue to push on. To go as far as you can go to show them that there is a way. To show your family that the sacrifice that they made for you paid off. At the same time I feel that in my strive to push hard I move further from their reality.A reality that makes it hard for mine and theirs to mesh. Tough.

At the same time I say that this is tough, I am hanging out with kids that I mentor weekly that are in the same spot I was in as a child. They come from families that are some what as broken as mine was as a kid. They have a reality that my kids will never be faced with.(I hope)  Their parents are stressed with how to pay bills on the daily and how to put food on the table. Things that are or will be passed on to them to deal with when they have their families in years to come. That is unless they find another way......

I feel a pressure that I have to show them the way to live another way. A way that is so foreign than anything that they know. What is even worse is that they live two blocks away from where another way of life is looming. A life where it is easy to see the difference between the have's and have nots. A life where the land of plenty will never reach their doorstep. And if it ever does I wonder sometimes if its even worth it. Even if everything around them tells them that it is. I don't really know where I am going with this post. Not really trying to make a statement. For the last few years these are things that I have come to realize about myself.

I have started to feel a pressure from within. To make a difference. Not just for me and mine, but for those who can do nothing for me. Those who have less. Those who can not return the favor to me  in any way. This pressure gets even larger when I enter back into that world I used to know and see that there are so few people who are looking to do the same. PRESSURE.

On the daily I ask God to lead me. Tell me where to go what to do. I hope that I am listening. I know that he is the only reason I am here. So knowing that, I try to push on and remove my worldly thoughts and views from my head although tough I keep striving.

Hopefully we are leading the right way. One step back two forward. That is how I tend to go. Thoughts right now. That is all I have. I will keep moving though.