Letter to my Granny

Granny I don’t even know where to start. I wanted to write you this letter and tell you how much you mean to me and also let you know that it is because of you I am who I am today.  Looking back on my childhood I could not imagine life without you in it. I remember the nights that you started keeping us on Saturdays so that Josh and I could begin going to church with you on Sunday morning.  I loved coming to your house and hanging with you and paw paw. Watching the TV shows like Hee Haw and eating your wonderful cooking on those Saturdays nights  is something that neither of us will forget.  I will always remember those nights that you would stay up with rollers in your hair and prepare for the lesson that you were going to teach the next day in church. You would always make sure that we were focused and that we knew how important Gods word is. Smiles come to my face as I think about you teaching us The Lord’s Prayer.  I will never forget those nights.

I remember the afternoons that you would come and pick me and Josh up and take us to go on walks with you. I will never forget why you would you would even take us on these walks. It seemed as if we slowed you down more than helped! Josh and I were always amazed with how fast you could walk that levee. I remember how sad I was once when I lost some money up there. We spent the better part of that afternoon searching for that money than we did walking. You even pitched in to help. I remember you patients with two goofy grandkids who wanted to find that money! Thinking back to those times being with you and getting to be close to you are memories that I will keep forever.

Your cooking will also be something that I will keep with me. You know that I would travel for miles to get to eat your food. My family will always be reminded that Granny’s cooking is what kept me going. I will never forget or let my family forget my favorite meal. Pinto beans and corn bread. That combination will be one of my favorites forever.

As I got older and began playing sports you supported me. You began to see that my interest in sports could lead to a better life for me.  And although I couldn’t see it you begin to assist me in preparing myself to move on from my small town that I love so much. I remember that as I began my senior year in school that you always said that I was going to have to leave Guntersville to find better work and start my family. Though I was thinking that I would always be back there by now, I think that you knew then that I wouldn’t be.

Then I graduated high school and moved to Tennessee to attend Union University.  The one thing I will remember about that school dorm is that I would get a weekly phone call from you early in the a.m. asking me how things were going and making sure that I was doing what I needed to do. I think that my roommates even knew that it was you calling so early! Those calls kept me grounded and focused.

Moving on past college with kids and family I hope that I have made you proud. I hope that I have embodied the heart and soul that you seem to carry so well. You have been with me and help mold me into someone who is capable of being anything I want to be. You showed me that it was possible.

Granny you taught me about God. You showed him to me by the way you lived and how you cared for us. You showed me how to care and love a family. I want you to know that you have your fingerprints all over my life. From the time that I was a little boy all the way up to now. The way that you have lived your life for others is something that I want to continue.  Granny I know that you are very sick. I wanted to write this to you so that you could know fully that you were so amazing to me. You were such a hero to me. Strong, solid, dependable, constant, my rock!

I love you grandma! You will always be so special to me. And no matter what happens with this cancer you will always be super woman to me.  May the God that you introduced me to be with you. Love you so much lady.

ZW

Thoughts

You know sometimes I think that I have it all wrong. The busy life. The running, the going, the ups the downs. Cramming as much stuff in as I can in 16 hours. Trying to be smarter, looking to move up. Sometimes I feel that it is just too damn much. I see a guy playing a air guitar everyday on my way to work. I pass another guy who is homeless. Sometimes I ask myself do they have it right and I have it wrong. Don't get me twisted. I love my family and I love my way of life. Being a provider for my family is something that is so important to me. Sometimes though I feel that I miss out on it. With work and everything that is going on sometimes I think that I get lost in that and I miss out on what is real.

On the other hand I feel that I need to be an example. To be the only kid in your family that went to a four year college and finished you get that pressure not from your family, but from inside of your gut to continue to push on. To go as far as you can go to show them that there is a way. To show your family that the sacrifice that they made for you paid off. At the same time I feel that in my strive to push hard I move further from their reality.A reality that makes it hard for mine and theirs to mesh. Tough.

At the same time I say that this is tough, I am hanging out with kids that I mentor weekly that are in the same spot I was in as a child. They come from families that are some what as broken as mine was as a kid. They have a reality that my kids will never be faced with.(I hope)  Their parents are stressed with how to pay bills on the daily and how to put food on the table. Things that are or will be passed on to them to deal with when they have their families in years to come. That is unless they find another way......

I feel a pressure that I have to show them the way to live another way. A way that is so foreign than anything that they know. What is even worse is that they live two blocks away from where another way of life is looming. A life where it is easy to see the difference between the have's and have nots. A life where the land of plenty will never reach their doorstep. And if it ever does I wonder sometimes if its even worth it. Even if everything around them tells them that it is. I don't really know where I am going with this post. Not really trying to make a statement. For the last few years these are things that I have come to realize about myself.

I have started to feel a pressure from within. To make a difference. Not just for me and mine, but for those who can do nothing for me. Those who have less. Those who can not return the favor to me  in any way. This pressure gets even larger when I enter back into that world I used to know and see that there are so few people who are looking to do the same. PRESSURE.

On the daily I ask God to lead me. Tell me where to go what to do. I hope that I am listening. I know that he is the only reason I am here. So knowing that, I try to push on and remove my worldly thoughts and views from my head although tough I keep striving.

Hopefully we are leading the right way. One step back two forward. That is how I tend to go. Thoughts right now. That is all I have. I will keep moving though.